This is the 3rd scare during this year, and I’m so frikken scared, God. This past month has been tough on me and I thought all the stress would be over but it’s not. Once uni ended it's like all the bad stuff would leave but now someone has COVID and I don’t know if I have it too. Of course, it was my fault like it’s always is. Didn’t use a mask in the car and now I’m at risk. What’s worse is that my boyfriend's mom can’t get it and I helped make dinner. I’m scared. And he thinks I have if because I didn’t deal with it well. Which shows that I again, just can’t do anything right. Not a single thing. And I would love to blame the rude lecture that shouted at me telling me I have to be on campus to use their good quality macs. And boom, COVID on campus. But it was my fault. I shouldn’t make friends, I shouldn’t be out and about and I just shouldn’t do anything because it all just doesn’t work out.
I’m trying to love myself, I really am. But it’s so difficult to love someone that’s a failure every single damn time. And you’re reminded of it every day by the same people that brought you up, and the same person who you thought you could depend on. I just suck. It just feels like it. Every single turn and every single thing is just always a problem. Every season is bad. There hasn’t been a good season and its so tough. Probably the toughest year.
And I can’t cry. I’m not allowed to. Cause if my parent’s see my like this they’ll say I have no reason to cry when I did this to myself. This was my fault. Thus, I don’t think I can understand the love of God, because it’s a difficult perspective to understand when this is what parental love looks like. Yesterday, pastors sermon slapped more than I thought it would. That we think God is like so and so because of the way we see our parents. And I’m not saying I have bad parents, it’s just when I was the prodigal son and I came back home, I was embraced with welcoming arms. I was told that I hurt them so much and what I did was an act of rebellion and unacceptable. I wasn’t celebrated for coming home, I was reminded of the bad I had done and how it hurt them. Still to this day, that season was irrational behaviour. It wasn’t like it was things that triggered me to leave. And that’s why it’s so difficult…
I can’t love myself because it’s difficult to understand how much God loves me. Especially these days. When I had a vulnerable mental attack, I just got attacked into seeing how much I was being a brat… How does God love during a mental attack? Or does he also tell me to stop because it’s unacceptable. Tell me to cry and smile. Get on with it. Be better. Never act like this ever again.
Lord, I’m trying… but there’s always something happening, always something to get over when I haven’t even gotten the chance to fix stuff. And I don’t know what to do… I just need time but stuff keeps happening and I can’t keep up with it. I just want time to myself… I just wanna be alone to fix everything so that I don’t have to depend on the people with me.
Please help me understand your love when I don’t know what it truly is. And can everything just stop coming at me because I’d love a break to sort other stuff out. Also, can 2021 please be better.