So it’s been a frustrating day because my uni stuff just wasn’t working out. I’ve sat in the study the whole day accomplishing nothing. Literally nothing. Cause nothing is working out and I’m getting frustrated with myself about it.
Like why can’t I have a productive day? I wanted to have a productive day and it just didn't happen. I get stuck on stuff for so long because I clearly suck at it. It so annoying that I wanna do stuff to myself. Like the thought comes in a dizzying heatwave. That’s exactly what is feels like.
What really pushed me off the edge was that I’m trying to sing because I’m trying to exercise my vocals. But my parent’s went on about how I must stop. Stop singing. Then my dad told me to make them tea. I swear it’s like a phrase that I dread. A phrase that triggers me. Seems like I’m incapable of doing anything. Man, I really hate myself right now.
Before my parents would go to bed my mom came in and asked me why I’m so moody. I said it’s because they told me to stop singing. Then she said something and I replied with a snappy statement which resulted in her acting shocked. Then she said are you upset because of that? I said yes, to which she replies that I should Get Over Myself. Then left.
I switched the study light off and stared at the scissors thinking, just cut me like right now. Then I went to the bathroom to pee and I wanted to hit my head against the wall. Now as I type out my frustrations all I wanna do it hurt myself. I clench my fist after a sentence. Feel the rush of wanting to scratch myself or pull my hair. I just dislike myself.
It’s not easy to just breathe or relax in these circumstances. It’s not easy to just get over it. It’s poisoning and when it arrives it doesn't leave. I have to sit through all of it and hope that it ends. Wait for it to be over. Because where I would’ve thought I was feeling better, the tiniest of things could make me go back into feeling how I feel.
I don’t know if it’ll ever go away, and that’s scary. I don’t like how dramatic it can get or how I can get. It’s annoying. It’ll affect my relationship with others and then I’ll feel really alone. I mean, it’s not like anyone here for me right now. Not a single text, not a person to speak to. No one. Just me and my thoughts about how I hate myself.
Just get over yourself.
