I really don’t like being in the space I’m in right now. I’m frikken excited to have my tonsils removed, but it hurts a lot. But I take the meds to make the pain go away.
However, it’s not making the emotional pain go away. It’s been difficult these past two nights where I just feel ugly, and misplaced. Like everything is just wrong. And I have no idea what it is. I just feel like I’m not good enough and there’s no trigger. It just happens. I’m stuck in this house with all my thoughts and physical and emotional pain, and I don’t know how to figure it out. It's just a lot. It’s overwhelming. This whole tonsillectomy recovery thing makes me feel like a burden because I have specific things I wanna eat. I am being a brat about it. Cause I really am SO over roast chicken shreds. Gross.
It’s just another day of feeling lost and confused. Mostly irritated and annoyed. With everything. Everything. I can’t make it stop, which is even more annoying. Like I probably can, but maybe I don’t want to. Maybe I enjoy being sad and lost. Maybe it gives me something to feel. Bruh. I don’t even know. What’s worse is that I can’t say what's wrong when people ask. Specifically my boyfriend. I don’t know how to explain it.
I would like to think that you’d be ready emotionally and mentally when you get into a relationship. But honestly, it feels like it gets worse. But it really doesn’t. You’re just exposed for the first time and you’re forced to let them see who you really are or what you really go through. And that’s scary. Cause you won’t know what they’re thinking. If they’re starting to see things they don’t like. Or if they realize that they really don’t want to pursue you because of all the issues you have.
I had this one thought. That maybe it would be better to be with someone that sucks as much as you. But that’s stupid, right? Even just thinking about it makes me feel sick. But why let someone else whos’ better than you, be with you. Because! They really deserve something better. Someone better.
The question is, do I want him to leave me? Never in a MILLION years, cause I’ll definitely be dead by then. Like I’ve never had this much doubtless fun in a long time. Where everything felt right until I am alone. Ugh. It just sucks. Especially when I’m the one haunted by the past of both our futures. That name just shows up EVERYWHERE. Everywhere. There’s no escaping the fact that he had an amazing relationship before me. And I had one that sucked. One that suited my “mental issues.”
So I question, why am I here? With this amazing person, feeling like I don’t deserve to be here. Feeling like I don’t know what I’m feeling, really. So confused. Speechless.
I don’t know what to say anymore.
I just want love. Or to feel loved. I want the right person to say the right things. Like don’t worry about it, I’m right here and you shouldn’t feel that way because you do deserve more. Or maybe tell me straight up. You suck, you don’t deserve more. I’m tired of blue ticks and waiting on words that don’t show up. I want someone to read my mind and be like, dude, I know what’s up. You don’t need to say anything, just let me hug you and let you cry.
But that’s never gonna happen. Sadness. Cause people don’t read minds. People don’t write songs back to you. They don’t think about you when they hear a romantic song. It’s just all in your own head. Clearly I’m too dramatic. Way in over my head to think that that’s how it works. Just because I do that, nobody else would. Do I put in more effort than I should? Do I love more than others do? Should I take a huge step back and think, maybe you shouldn’t say that… Maybe you shouldn’t think that. Maybe you put in too much.
Well, I probably do. My feelings get the best of me and I’m just a mess. I don’t know what to say or what today because I don’t know what’s going on in my own head. How the heck am I supposed to tell someone else what’s happening when it’s just a mess. A mess of doubt and pain. Stupid pain over tiny issues where the negative aspects of my life outweigh the positive ones. To be honest. I feel like I’m getting nowhere. That there are no steps forward, just all steps back. Like I’m stuck and no one cares. No one even notices. No one makes the effort.
I thought sleep would fix it, but clearly not. Everything just spirals down into a whirlpool of sadness. I wake up hoping it’ll be better, but nothing. Back where I started cause I find myself in the wrong all the time. I’m never right. Only a burden of inconvenience. A burden of annoyance.
No one wants to talk to me. No one wants to help me. I’m alone. Again. Ears tensing up and tears falling down my face and jaw clenching. Back to the beginning. Another breakdown. When will it ever stop? I thought writing would make it better, but it doesn’t. It makes it worse. Just another reminder that I haven’t leveled up. I haven’t moved forward, just stayed stuck in this same old dodgy gross place where no one can help me and no one wants to. Nothings changed. Nothing at all.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me… Maybe if I knew it would get better.
