What About Me?
Do I not matter? Not a single bit? Does nobody care about my feelings? No one cares to think that I’m the one that’s hurting in this awful place. A place where my feelings aren’t considered as something to be protected. It’s the same thing always. I’m the problem. Always have and always will be. There’s nothing I can do to add to this world. Nothing I can do to benefit this world. Because I. Am. The. Problem. Everyone else deserves an apology for my mental instability. Oh, I’m sorry I can’t control my emotions. I’m sorry I feel like killing myself every time something bad happens. I’m sorry I’m a disappointment. I’m sorry I just want to be given space because I don’t want to be told how to live my frikken life.
Why should I open up anyway? Since you clearly don’t care about how I’m doing. Any insight into my life is just a reason for you to tell me that I’m doing it wrong. Because I’m worthless, clueless, delusional and most importantly overdramatic. This is no way to behave. It’s unacceptable. Mental health is unacceptable. Did you hear that world? You’re not allowed to show how much you’re hurting because it offends other people. You’re not allowed to get worked up because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. And after it all, you have to apologise about being insensitive. Cause that’s just how it works.
When you don’t apologise, you get ignored. You get gossip behind your back telling people how selfish and rude you are. How much YOU suck! And for what? Just for trying to be a little vulnerable for once. For trying to show respect. For trying to be a kid again. But it was a bad mistake. Should’ve stayed the same 12-year-old kid you were. I should’ve stayed the kid that didn’t talk about their life because it clearly was just gonna fire back. I’m so fed up with not being heard. With not feeling like I belong in a place where people care about my mental health. Cause this household revolves around one person.
One person who’s always right. One person who deserves all the attention. Screw you when you feel like hurting yourself or even dying. Cause apparently a past bad experience at the dentist is so much more horrible than your experience. And your overwhelming emotional response is so much more pressuring onto others. You’re a burden at the end of the day. You’re just causing too many problems and not really benefiting anyone.
At the end of it all, I hurt people with my hurt. I’m the psychotic person who doesn’t deserve anything. And you saying I love you means nothing when you can’t even think about what’s really up with your kid? Cause actions speak louder than words. And your actions have shown that I am nothing. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve redemption. I don’t deserve to be heard. I should just shut up. Take the advice and move on. I should be stronger than this right? At some point it’ll be over. And I’m supposed to forgive without an apology.
In my head, I have to be a better person. Forgive and forget. When right now all I wanna do is not exist. Or at least make enough money to move out so I’ll never have to worry about offending you. Maybe one day it’ll all be too much and I’ll just die cause there’s no one to ask for help. Cause when I do there's not space for love. There’s not space for anyone to empathise with me. Just advice that tells me I’m wrong. That tells me I’m failing and that tells me that I have to toughen up and move one.
Amongst all this awareness and we still don’t feel heard.